Yesterday was six months since I lost my beloved husband Robin, six months of trying to come to terms with my loss, and living my life without him. Quite honestly, I had a miserable day, tearful and upset, and thinking back to that awful day. Yes, I have lots of memories, lots of good times to reflect on, but I still look over to his empty chair and empty pillow and wish he was still here with me.
Friends and family have been kind and supportive, and people often ask, "how are you?" I wrote a poem recently to express how I feel when I'm asked this question.
I met a friend for coffee, in a cafe yesterday
She looked at me and asked, how are you today?
Asking me that is a trigger, shall I tell the truth this time?
My life has changed forever, and I'm anything but fine
Can't you see that I am hurting, I think inside my mind
I'm full of grief and sadness, and I'm crying all the time
But she doesn't need to hear that, so I turn to her and say
I'm fine thanks, and you, how are you today?
So please don't look at me with pity and ask me how I am. Any one who has suffered a bereavement, has had earth shattering medical news, is going through cancer treatment, or is dealing with any number of ongoing personal problems can't or won't tell you how they are really feeling. I'm doing the best I can, but some days are harder to get through than others. It would be so much nicer to be greeted with, "Hi, it's so nice to see you again".
ICA Rally, Wanganui
31 comments:
Such heartfelt, honesty. I am sorry you continue to grieve, and hurt. God will give you the peace you need.
Your poem is such a good description of some your challenges Jenny. So many people ask "How are you?" and don't actually seem to want to know. Your suggestion of "It's so nice to see you." is much more welcoming.
I enjoy reading your blog and admire productivity. Take care. Gayle
Jenny so sorry for your loss ,i lost my soulmate in 2016 , grief has no time limit,we will always miss them but I promise you the days will get easier
Thank you for sharing your poem and how you are feeling. Hugs.
What a wonderful poem. I will remember it as I see friends who are grieving. My best wishes to you.
Dear Jenny, it is so nice to see you post. You are often in my thoughts. This photo with you and your dear Robin shows how happy you both were together. Virtual hugs.
I have followed your blog for a long time, it is one of my favorites. I was so saddened to read about your loss. The adventures that you and Robin experienced were so fun to follow. You have bravely moved forward the past 6 months, I admire you. I love your poem!! It beautifully expresses how those of us feel with devastating loss. (My daughter died from cancer 6 years ago, her daughter was only 4.) My warm thoughts are with you always!
You have expressed yourself so eloquently in this post through your poem. I know I have an automatic greeting to people of “ Hi, how are you going?” It just pops out. I will make a concerted effort to think more before I open my mouth in future.
Hi Jenny , was nice to read your poem ,
Hugs 🤗
Each anniversary is significant and throws us back to The Day. When we love deeply, this is just how it is when that special, dearest person is gone.
Those are wise words. My Joe has another cancer treatment tomorrow.
It is so difficult when you hit a milestone like this. I have trouble forgetting that both of our mothers died on mother's day. Theoretically, I try celebrate her birthday, but mother's day is a day for that, too.
All the best. You are doing the best you can. That's all you need to do. Hugs.
I am so sorry to hear this! Grief is so crazy because it hits at the craziest times. I haven't lost a spouse but I have lost parents and a son and my only sibling. You are so brave! It has been over seven years since our son died and mostly I am fine. I have a strong conviction of the Resurrection but still, there are moments when I get hit very hard. Anniversaries are the pits! Birthdays and holidays are right up there, too!
Love the poem. People do want to gloss everything over. People just don't want to hear it because then they might have to deal with it and most people pretend it will not be them left behind. It is crazy! I hope you have a support person. Some one who can be there to just listen to the real emotions you express. It helps.
that does sound better doesn't it - I'm sure most of us never truthfully will answer "how are you" - you don't want to say exactly how you feel!
I once asked a friend how she was, her husband had died after an illness so it was expected. Then I looked at her and said " Well that was a silly question. I can see how you are, I'll make sure not to ask that again " She said she wasn't fine, every day was so hard, and she missed him so much.Life has changed for you Jenny in a way you could not have ever imagined.Your poem says it all.But to read your posts and see what you are sewing, or driving to, that all takes courage and inner strength.XXX
That is so true Jenny. Grief is different for all of us, but we never honestly tell people what is really going on inside do we?. Take care of you, keep on meeting your friends and keep on sewing.
What a beautiful and heart felt poem. I always read your posts even though I don't often comment. I have been amazed by how productive you have been. I'm sure this is what helps to keep you going along with Gemma. Take your time to grieve, there's no time limit. Love and hugs Judith XXX
Your poem touched me and made me remember when our daughter died, I felt exactly the same. I often wished that they would just sit quietly beside me and hold my hand.
((Hugs)).
God bless.
Well said. Take care.
Tears in my eyes as I read your post, Jenny. What a beautiful poem you wrote! Take Care, J
Your poem brought tears to my eyes. Warm hugs and blessings, Jenny.
My heart is breaking for you. I understand your pain and heartache and am thinking of you at this difficult time. 💔💔
Your poem expresses what you and many others feel. I'm glad you are keeping up with your blog. I enjoy reading your latest updates. No doubt that 6 months sometimes feels like 6 hour at times. Know that you are in my thoughts. Hugs.
What a wonderful poem, and so helpful. I am glad you shared it. I haven't lost my partner, or my best girlfriend either, but my I just lost my mother, and more importantly, my father lost his long-time partner. I have heard that right about where you are now is the hardest time, when the survivor feels that the way they are living is just not working out for them. I hope that you hang in there and that things will get easier bit by bit. I am glad that you are able to fully experience your emotions. I hope that you will write more poetry, if you feel like it!
Thank you for teaching me this important lesson. I admire your work to carry on making your space so pretty.
You expressed the feeling of grief so well. I was just thinking about how much I hate being greeted with "How are you doing?" because I feel like a big fat liar when I answer "Fine" but I do it anyway, unless it's a true and confident friend and even then I say "Fine" sometimes . . . I feel like if I tell people the truth I'll just make them uncomfortable.
Jenny, I was checking in on you to show how you are in my thoughts. Six months can be a very long time adapting to a single life from a double. I absolutely think your poem expresses the sentiment precisely and so beautifully as well. What a poet you are! I like it so much I would like to share it. May I use it for a bereavement group I have?
Oh, I so agree with your sentiments. I haven’t suffered a loss of a husband, but nearly. But I survived cancer, and I feel the same way. Just be my friend and be glad to see me.
A wonderful Poem. Sending you hugs , Ali near Tauranga.
Oh that is so true. Your poem is spot on. I still feel like that 13 years after losing my son. Keep strong and continue to live…. ❤️
I think many people, maybe be even most people, use "How are you?" as a greeting without having real interest in how a person is doing. I sat beside a lady at church that I don't know well, but I knew she was going through cancer treatments. I asked her how she was doing because I really wanted to know and was concerned for her and her family. Her response was, "I'm doing fine." And then I said, "How are you really doing? I know you've been going through some hard times." She was surprised and then spent the next little while telling me about her situation and how she felt. I was grateful that she trusted me enough to share.
I can only imagine how hard it is for you with Robin gone and to have people greet you with "How are you?" Some of us don't have enough imagination to really understand how hard it is. Your poem is really helpful in that regard. Thank you. I'll be more careful from now on.
Post a Comment